Germany is in the midst of the biggest trophy drought in the country’s history. Even worse, today’s roster is perhaps the shortest on talent in decades. To make up for that, Germany has a somewhat clear route to the quarterfinals. But then they’ll have to defeat three other biggies to win it all. I wouldn’t expect more than one such victory out of this Germany.
Italy - Fabio Cannavaro is back, and so is Marcello Lippi, he of those fabulous frames. Will they bring back the chemistry that made them defending champions? I’m not so sure. The whole thing smacks a tad of Sex and the City 2 – everyone looks much, much older, and not as, well, fabio as they once were.
Brazil – every Kaká needs to go Pipí once in a while. But then he comes back, zips up, shoots and scores. He is the man with the plan. Smart money is on Brazil this time.
Team Beer - ChesterClusterF*ck can score from anywhere. Deep Throat runs circles around Caca. DoubleMint Cum excels on the Give and Go. Rear Entry swats everything away, Brazil fears Matt, Italy would pay the 12 million trnasfer fee for Ann Riddle. Mike knows 11 languages and scores in six, Pull It Out is a South African sensation. I expect this team to battle with the Germans for the cup.
England - no Beckham and no Sven means a new England. Any Englishman worth his salt (and that’s any Englishman, full stop) will tell you that England won once, in 1966, at home. He will also tell you that outside of that tournament, England has never knocked out a contender. Ever. Is this new England new enough to buck that trend? Not bloody likely.
France - the latest news out of that camp is that Henry, their disgraced geriatric striker, is losing his starting spot to someone nicknamed Le Sulk. Ouch. I mean, aïe!
Argentina – look, the emperor has no brain! But is he really the emperor? It’s hard to believe anyone would put a washed-up buffoon who’s been in and out of rehab, the bad kind, for the last 15 years, in charge of the most talented squad in the tournament. Perhaps they don’t need a coach? Well, 4 years ago and tactical slip by the coach cost Argentina a spot in the semifinals. This can’t end well.
Spain – how can Spain stumble? Oh, let me count the ways – vs. Portugal in the round of 16, vs. Italy in the quarterfinals, etc., etc. The amazing thing is that maybe, just maybe they won’t this time. Maybe.
Holland – on game-days, I wear orange, hop on my Dutch bike and ride to the pub. I’ve been such a devoted fan of the Dutch for so long, I think I’m worthy of at least an honorary citizenship. Instead, the Amsterdam City Hall keeps hounding me about a 2-year-old parking ticket, while the team loses, consistently, albeit spectacularly (remember the Battle of Nuremberg?) This time will be different, of course. You just wait and see.
Portugal – last but not least, we have Portugal. Actually, they kind of are least. Cristiano Ronaldo is a spectacularly talented kid. He’s been one for 25 years. It’s time to bring home some bacon. It’s now or never. I’m leaning towards never.
U.S. -They have an oil spill
